New Metaphor, Please!

You recall the recent "time out" in Canadian politics. You recall that I was never sure whether we were playing hockey or running a daycare center.

Now we might somehow be involved in juvenile court, or possibly still running a daycare center. It's hard to tell.

Today, the leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, Michael Ignatieff, put the Conservative government "on probation." He means that he has an amendment to the budget that Prime Minister Harper proposed. The amendment would require regular reporting to Parliament about the progress of the projects proposed in this budget. And if the government accepts the amendment, the Liberal party will prop up this government.

Probation. Hmmm. I'm new to parliamentary politics, but isn't the government kinda always on probation? Isn't that what a parliamentary system is all about? If you get a particularly egregious Prime Minister, the opposition can bring down that government pretty much whenever enough members are up in arms. Whereas in the U.S., egregious leaders have to commit crimes--or, apparently, more than that, perhaps commit crimes blatantly--to get impeached, and it's always cheaper and less problematic to just hunker down for a few more years and hope the frat boy doesn't feel like bombing someone else.

But back to this country--Ignatieff wants Harper to feel more watched than normal, as if he has to be more accountable than normal. Okay. But putting him "on probation" is just juvenile, whether the metaphor is criminal court or something more like, well, daycare: "Stevie, no lying to the other kids, no treating them disrespectfully, no more tattling for ONE WHOLE YEAR, or you're OUT."

Meanwhile, down south, President Obama has said that the U.S. stimulus package will include evaluations and the government will make continued investments in projects that work. Presumably, they'll stop investments in projects that don't work.

He said it just like that, too. Straightforward. No finger shaking--or pointing. No equivocating. No dumbing down. No dressing it up.

Normally, I'm a fan of story and metaphor and figurative language. I think a lot of people reason by analogy, which makes metaphors useful. I also think metaphors, "what if" stories, and other narrative and figurative devices help people develop empathy. They make it easier for someone to put himself into another's place. They help people see, and even feel, nuances.

But honestly, this particular group of metaphors and cutesy warnings has run its course. The images have lost their effectiveness. They invite ridicule from journalists, who are tired of waiting around to see if anyone will say anything of substance.

So in this country, please could we cast aside the hockey rink and the alphabet rug? Could we at least get a new metaphor?

Or, gasp, maybe it's time to use direct language for awhile. Perhaps politicians could speak to us adult to adult. They're spending our money. They work for us. They owe it to us at least to try to be grownups.