From the Road

I traveled today on two planes in three airports in two countries. I have a reminder for...well, I think for just about everyone.

When you're in public places, PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU AND CAN HEAR YOU. A public place is any physical location--remember those? also known as "in real life," you studied them in geography classes, they're hot or cold or windy--any physical location where you are not all by yourself.

A public place is that place, you know the one, that you put on those wacky clothes, pierce and tattoo your skin, and dye your hair for. And all those other places where there are other people. Who might not care to see what you dig out of your ear, thanks.

Here are a few examples of how the awareness of being in a public place might cause you to choose to change your behavio(u)r.

When you're loading yourself and your things onto the plane before a three-plus-hour flight, do not have this conversation.
He: Do you want the middle or aisle?
She: Oh, I'll get in the middle. I don't mind.
He: Okay.
She: Except that I get claustrophobic.
He: You said you didn't mind.
She: I don't. I'll be fine. Just claustrophobic. (She sits down in the middle.)
He: (sighs) You said... (Sighs. Sits down.)

At this point, you might consider NOT sleeping for an hour, asking me what time it is and calling me "ma'am" in the process (especially if you are, like she is, at least my age), and then grooming yourself for the entire rest of the trip. (Seriously. If it's a cosmetic, she's got it, and it's going on her face or her fingernails. If the flight attendants had sold lip gloss, she'd have bought some because she used up all of hers.)

Here's another conversation to avoid, especially before the plane takes off.
He: How long is this flight again?
She: I don't know.
He: Can you look it up?
She: Why do you keep asking these questions that force me to dig out papers, just when I get things put away? For crying out loud.
He: I was just curious, that's all. (In THAT voice): Never mind.
She (rattling papers) (In THAT voice): No no, I have it. We take off at 9:40 and land at noon.
He: How long is that? How many time zones?
She: I don't know. Where are we?
He: That's three hours. How can it take longer to get from Minneapolis to Tucson than it takes to get from Pittsburgh to Minneapolis?
She: I don't know. Read your book.
He: I don't like it. It's like the Lord of the Rings but not as good.
She: You don't like that kind. You read sci-fi.
He: Well, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I liked that one.

You might also consider whether it's a good idea to choose mid-flight to start examining the hairs growing on your own tricep just above your elbow. Here's the answer: it's not. Stop picking at them, flicking them, or holding your elbow up to your seatmate to show him or her. Trust me, no one else on the plane cares.

And please--especially if you're sitting near me--refrain from yawning hugely and loudly, like you apparently do IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME. Airplanes are not private places. They are PUBLIC places. You can tell because there are other people there.

Standing off the soapbox now...It was actually a pretty entertaining trip. The most unnerving part of the second conversation was that he looked like Santa Claus and yawned like a lion in a cartoon. How can you look so benign and be so...not benign?

Santa and Mrs. Claus had a few back-and-forths about football players, and Estee Lauder at one point asked Mr. Lauder how come she only got a pink CZ ring for Christmas instead of the white one she asked for, the kind that looks like a real diamond.

And yes, I had the same immigration official, the one who told me to smile, this time, and yes, he told me to smile this time, too.

I can feel myself composing a sternly worded letter to him and his boss. Does this mean I'm becoming a real Canadian?