Hi, my name is Marion, and I'm a junk TV addict, wondering when oh when I'll be able to get my next fix!!
Since my father's death in April, I've allowed my evenings to deteriorate into festivals of bad TV. My husband and I were already fans of CSI:Miami, based solely on David Caruso's acting tics. We "do" his voice and delivery, his head tilt, and his "I'm all but turning my back on you and rocking" stance.
But now I know the characters on the CSI shows set all over the U.S. We even developed a theory: cleavage solves crime! It also, apparently, whispers ghosts--unless Melinda Gordon has a medical condition that requires her to wear revealing nighties 24/7.
But back to cop shows: I know the difference between Law & Order and Law & Order SVU. I can even tell apart the actors that play Gus in CSI (Las Vegas, the original) and that slightly weird one whose name I'm blanking now in Law & Order. Sometimes I mentally compare location shots for CSI and that Friday night Las Vegas show with James Caan.
I know that Criminal Minds has a new cop, played by Paget Brewster, the one who played Chandler's only real girlfriend on Friends (the actress, dated Joey first) lo those many years ago. Unfortunately, she plays a robot on Criminal Minds, as do many of the other characters, even my long-adored Mandy Patinkin, though I still watch to see if I can catch a flash of Inigo Montoya in his eyes, and I really wish he'd sing now and again.
Because I am powerless over my addiction, I had a favorite contestant on Canadian Idol and was frustrated when she did not win. OK, so maybe it was just "she's the best of the bad." But I was loyal.
Sometimes my evening indulgence carries over into the morning. As long as I'm being honest, I think Kelly Ripa is prettier from the Relly Award clips from the winter, when she is not so tan, than she has been in recent Relly Award clips, when she's plastered with bronzer. I'm still trying to figure out why Regis has a show at all, never mind that it's been in national syndication for 20 years. These mental games apparently require me to watch at least the host chat every day.
I thought I could control my need for mind candy--actually, for me, it's more like mind macaroni and cheese--but I was wrong. Junk TV addition is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
For the last few days, I have been forced to go cold turkey. We're down to 1.5 TV channels--periodically, one of the "good" channels goes out for not much reason that I can discern. This time, it's the CTV station; other times, CBC is the culprit. CTV runs all these bad cop shows, plus the morning news show, plus Regis and Kelly.
Looking back over the last five months in particular, plus the previous years when the roots of my addiction got hold, I can't quite find the line between an evening's relaxation and the "gotta have it!" moment of addiction. I only know that withdrawal makes me a bit grouchy. The new seasons are answering many of the questions I've come recently to ask about these shows and these characters, and now I'll never know.
Overall, losing the channel is better for me and my life. I work at home, whether I'm working on work that pays me or on one of the innumerable projects that doesn't. Even 2.5 channels presents too much opportunity to procrastinate.
So I get the message--it's time to get back to a diet with more variety than "mind mac." I have books to read (and write), organizations to contribute my time and "expertise" to, boxes to pack and unpack, phone calls and decisions to make on behalf of the family and my own financial future. I'll be a better person. I'll power through my to-do list.
And, God help me, I may rent Criminal Minds DVDs. Just in case, you know, Mandy sings.
